The Rising Tide of Perfectionism

Earlier this year I participated in a webinar with Rebecca Winthrop and Jenny Anderson who were launching their book reading The Disengaged Teen. What really stuck with me about the book is their description of four modes of student engagement: passenger, resister, achiever, and explorer – see image below:

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been re-reading this book more carefully, and I’ve found myself returning to this framework again and again in my thinking and conversations with schools – particularly at the moment where there is a high level of expectation being placed on teachers and schools around performance and achievement.

What struck me most is how the achiever mode can quickly tip into perfectionism. This is the mode we most often celebrate in schools. Some may argue that it is the mode for which our schools are most ideally suited in their design. Achievers are the students who tick all the boxes, collect the gold stars, and seem to thrive on success. Teachers love them, parents are proud of them –  but beneath the surface, many of these learners are fragile. Driven not by curiosity but by a need to “get it right,” many achievers avoid risks, shy away from failure, and often experience the worst mental health outcomes of all the groups.

That reality was brought home to me again this week when a principal I’ve worked from John Tyson Elementary School in Northwest Arkansas sent me an EdWeek article highlighting what one of her staff members, Jennifer Boogaart, described as a “mini-pandemic” of perfectionism among elementary-aged children. Boogaart and her colleagues in other states have noticed a significant rise in students who are reluctant to take risks, unwilling to try something unless they know they’ll succeed. Social media hasn’t helped they say, with its tendency to curate only accomplishments and success, it creates an environment where mistakes and failures are hidden away.

Now, I acknowledge that it’s easy to ‘romanticise’ failure as a key part of the learning process. There can be dangers in cheerleading failure as if it’s automatically character-building. Repeated failure without reflection and review can lead to a loss of hope, for example. But there’s an even greater danger in shielding students from it altogether. If learners never experience setbacks, never push through uncertainty, never learn to recalibrate when things go wrong, how will they build the resilience and problem-solving skills that life demands?

This is where the balance lies. We need achievers –  but more importantly, we need explorers. As Winthrop and Anderson describe it, explorer mode is the pinnacle of engagement: where curiosity meets drive, and where learners become invested in their own learning. That doesn’t come from chasing perfection. It comes from having the freedom to ask questions, to try, to stumble, and to try again.

Here in New Zealand, I worry about this in the context of our current curriculum review. Much of the focus we’re hearing seems to be on achievement and performance – on the measurable, testable outcomes. Of course, these things matter. But if we overemphasise them, we risk fuelling the very perfectionism that’s already taking hold. We risk pigeon-holing students into achiever mode, while neglecting the broader (explorer) capabilities – resilience, perseverance, creativity – that they will need to thrive in adulthood.

What can we do?

This challenge isn’t solved by a new policy or a single shift in practice. It’s a mindset issue that needs to be addressed in our classrooms, our homes, and our communities. As I’ve pondered this and discussed these concerns with some professional colleagues, I’ve come up with a few reflections for teachers and parents to consider:

• Shift the focus from outcomes to effort. Students quickly learn what adults value. If the praise they hear is only about grades, awards, or “being the best,” they’ll attach their worth to outcomes. If, instead, we consistently notice and affirm effort, persistence, creativity, and courage, we communicate that those things matter just as much – if not more. The a caveat here, of course, is that our affirmation must be authentic – students soon see through if it’s not!
• Normalise mistakes as part of learning. When a child fails a test, struggles with a problem, or makes an error in sport or music, our first instinct is often to soften it – “never mind, you’ll do better next time.” Instead, we can treat mistakes as data: “What did you notice? What might you try differently?” This shifts the focus from embarrassment to growth.
• Model imperfection ourselves. Students pick up on how adults handle mistakes. Do we get flustered and defensive, or do we laugh, acknowledge the error, and carry on? When we share our own stories of failure – a time when something didn’t work, but we learned and grew from it – we give permission for them to do the same.
• Watch for the quiet cost of achievement. The students who “get everything right” can easily fly under the radar, because they don’t cause disruption or demand extra support. Yet they may be carrying the heaviest burden of all: the need to be perfect. We need to check in with these learners, listen carefully, and gently challenge them to take safe risks and explore beyond the comfort zone of achievement.
• Protect time for inquiry and play. In a world where curriculum and assessment pressures loom large, we must still carve out space for learners to follow their curiosity, to make things, test things, and sometimes watch them fall apart. That’s where resilience and creativity take root.

Some questions to guide conversation

These shifts aren’t easy – they involve us rethinking long-held habits as educators and parents. Sometimes the most powerful way to begin is by asking ourselves (and our learners) better questions. Here are a few that might open up that conversation…

• How do the ways we give praise – in the classroom or at home – shape what learners believe is most valued?
• In what ways do our current routines or assessment practices create space for mistakes, reflection, and growth?
• How comfortable are we, as adults, with letting learners see our own struggles and mistakes? What message might that send them?
• Which of our “gold star” students might be quietly carrying the burden of perfectionism? How could we check in with them more intentionally?
• Where in our week do learners have opportunities to follow curiosity, experiment, or take risks without the pressure of grades or outcomes?
• How often do we ask students what motivates them, what they fear, or what they most enjoy in their learning? What would we learn if we listened more closely to their answers?

A final thought

So perhaps the alert is this: in our quest for higher standards, let’s not lose sight of the deeper purpose of learning. Let’s create classrooms where effort and curiosity are valued as much as outcomes. Let’s make space for students to explore, to risk, and yes, at times, to fail. Because it’s in those moments of failure, reflection, and renewed effort that true learning takes root.

Further Reading:

• https://catlintucker.com/2025/07/the-disengaged-teen-understanding-why-students-check-out-and-how-we-reignite-their-drive-to-learn/
• https://www.edweek.org/leadership/want-students-to-be-resilient-try-asking-them-to-fail/2025/09
• https://home.edurio.com/news/the-disengaged-teen-understanding-and-reigniting-pupil-engagement/
• https://www.latimes.com/california/newsletter/2022-04-04/8-to-3-academic-perfection-toxic-teens-8-to-3